Stop Emptying Your Own Cup

We often talk about “filling your own cup first,” but never discuss why it always seems to be empty.

Saying “yes” to everything, overcommitting, and putting other people’s feelings first are all common ways we empty our cups in the service of others. And it’s easy to feel like we’re doing something good when we do this.

Here’s a secret: when you empty your cup, that doesn’t mean you’re actually filling someone else’s. You’re just emptying yours.

Saying “yes” to everything people ask of you at work, home, school and with friends might seem like a good way of supporting others. But if all you do is support others without setting any boundaries for yourself, you’ll just wear yourself out. Eventually you may reach the point that you are no longer a good source of support for someone else because of how exhausted you are. This basically undoes all the good you are trying so hard to do for other people.

Many of us worry that if we stop emptying our cups to please others, the people in our lives will leave us. The truth is that if someone only wants you in their life to receive from you, and they have no desire to give back, they don’t want a healthy connection with you. They want to use you for your generosity. And you deserve better than that.

Here’s a challenge for you (whoever reads this) this week: try saying “no” to something, big or small. Not because you can’t do it, or or don’t have the time or money for it. Say “no” to something simply because you don’t want to do it. Bonus points if you don’t offer an explanation for why you’re saying no (because “no” is a complete sentence, and you don’t owe anybody an explanation)!

It might feel a little uncomfortable trying this, especially if you don’t usually set these types of boundaries. It’s also very normal to worry about how people will react. But the people who really love you will respond supportively and respectfully. Even if your “no” is an inconvenience to them.

If you want your cup to be filled, you need to stop emptying it. I challenge you to try saying “no” this week. You’ll probably thank yourself later.

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